the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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