Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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