Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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