They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
