all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Boobs speak an international language.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
