may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
