i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
