I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just gargled with NyQuil
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
