just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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