Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
