She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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