Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
