by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize