I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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