So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
