i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
