I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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