Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
