Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
