Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just cropdusted the office
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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