I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We need to get me chipped asap
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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