I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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