My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize