I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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