I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
