hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
