who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
