The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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