Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
