Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
