We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
