I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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