Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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