What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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