it's like iHOP with fire
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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