Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
