How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
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I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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