I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The best revenge is premature balding
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
