Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
