Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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