How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.