Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it