I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that