Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Hippo gnu deer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.