The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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