and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
