You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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