It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
