He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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