did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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