how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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