i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
