This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
