i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
