i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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