u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
