I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
