I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
