no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
