I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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