you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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