She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
